Last night when I came home from my first Yoga Teacher Training, I walked into an almost entirely empty apartment, a sleeping boyfriend, and 2 puppies curled up next to said boyfriend.
No they didn't sleep through a robbery. I just happened to sell all of my shit in one fell swoop. MUCH quicker than I was anticipating. It's reflective of how the last few days have been. I mean, I knew I wanted to really put my nose down and get things moving when I got home from Nashville (post to come...) but I had no idea things would happen so quickly.
After quieting the pups and crawling into bed with everyone, Chris looked over and said "In the last 2 days you have made your blog public, started your Teacher Training, and found someone to buy and pick up all your stuff." You know. Small things.
Allow me to recap.
We've talked about the blog going public. I won't beat that dead horse. But in terms of Teacher Training and selling my life's belongings, now that's an interesting turn of events.
I had no idea how I would pay for teacher training. It's expensive. And I wanted to be done by the time we moved, and I wanted to do it through a reputable company, and I want what I want when I want it. You know? Long story short, I had been emailing back and forth with a number of CorePower managers about options for about 4 months. Literally the week before the first class, we connected, they debited my account for the deposit, and we set up a payment plan. I didn't have extra money saved for the deposit. Honestly, I don't have extra money saved for anything. I'd love to be more responsible with finances and I am working on it, but I am not going to pretend I'm something I'm not. I'm 30 and still trying to figure out how to save. It is what it is.
Anyways...I did it. This is priority of mine, and all my other goals depend on this one goal being accomplished. So I just went for it and decided I would take whatever consequences arose from just jumping in head first. I'd just have to figure it out.
Fast forward through the beautiful wedding, and great time with my friends, and a long but fun road trip back with Chris, and I am home and ready to take care of some shit. My lease is up July 15th, and I wasn't sure how quickly my stuff would sell. Some of it is nice, but some of it is from Ikea, and who knows what people will pay for a bed set, some curtains, and my full kitchen. So I posted an add on Craigslist to get a feel for what people would pay, and what the response would be. I listed everything out individually, and then gave a heavy discount if they just came and took it all.
I received an email from an interested party that night. By the next day she had 2 friends standing in my kitchen ready to load it all up. I wasn't ready, but I had to be. They handed me cash for more than I asked and told me I could keep my bed and other belongings until my lease was up because they felt bad taking it all. I am not making this up...and there's even more.
The reason they wanted all my stuff is that they have three Airbnb's and they are working on a fourth. So with my stuff, they could fully furnish this place, decorations and all. I told her our story and she said that when we come back to CO, we can stay in any of their vacation rentals. I also found out one of the guys she was with lived with wolves for 8 years, and she races motorcycles. Neither of those things have anything to do with anything, but it's not something I can really leave out either, is it?
So, I have cash in my purse, a bed to sleep in, and the rest of my belongings are...gone. And I have to be okay with that because this is what I wanted. The weirdest part about all of this is that I really don't care. It's just material stuff. I worked and saved for a long time to get that apartment to look just the way I wanted it. And I really did enjoy it. It was perfect. I still appreciate it so much. But they are just things. And other things have become more important to me right now.
Important things like my boyfriend, who cancelled all of his plans and left work early so he could meet the buyers back at my place after they had gone to Walmart and picked up bins for moving. I couldn't wait for them because I had my first YTT class, so he met with them at my place and helped them move my stuff, so I wouldn't miss a good opportunity. A keeper for sure.
It's not all perfect though. My (now their) belongings are only half moved. I don't like halves. I like fulls. I need to do something with the torn up couch, wash the rest of the dishes so they can come pick them up, disassemble the bed, find a place for my toiletries, and go through my closet. I would rather sleep on an air mattress until July 15th than have a half disheveled apartment. So I think I will tackle all of that this weekend and have them come get the rest early next week.
Point is, I took a financial leap for something that was important to my direction in life, and within a week, I had it more than reimbursed to me. Things don't always happen that way, so it really makes me feel like I am on the right path. I'm not sure I believe in "signs" because we tend to see things the way we want to see them (see more information on confirmation biases here) but this seems like a pretty good tap on the behind that I should keep moving in this direction. Which is good, cause it's kind of too late to turn back now.
Okay, so I typed this on the 21st of June, thinking I would just hit "publish" when Sunday came. (I am trying to dial in how often I should post, but that's a whole other issue.) But then a couple things happened that I feel like I need to add.
I did get everything else ready over the following week. I called the buyer and told her the half way moved out thing was actually worse than not having a bed, so could she come pick up the rest of it. She said great and we were good to go.
That day, Chris and I tried a new coffee shop (Pablos is legit BTW) and I went to a C2 yoga class while he went to a fly fishing class. We met back up, went on a trail run together, and then made it back home just in time to meet the buyers before we were to head off to one of my best friends adorable little girl's 3rd birthday party.
When I answered the door everything was fine. But things got awkward and she didn't want to take anything, and she said it would help her anxiety if we put everything in a pile and they came back and got it later.
It left me with a weird feeling. I didn't know what the issue was. I tried filling in the blanks and moving on with my day, but my stuff was still hanging out in my apartment so my anxiety continued to build. And build. And build.
Next thing you know Chris is trying to calm me down, and I am looking at him dead in the eyes asking him "Are we crazy?"
Here's the thing. We are crazy. This plan is crazy, falling in love is crazy, bringing two puppies home is crazy. The whole thing. Bat shit crazy. But even knowing that, I could never go back to the life I was living before. It was a beautiful life. But knowing what I know now about what lights me up and how deep I can tap into myself and what I want to build - there is just no way I could go back to the person I was 9 months ago.
And that is some scary shit. I'm in the middle ground where I know I can't go back to the comfortable life I was living, but I don't know what the future holds for the life I am trying to build. So I have to completely let go and trust that the hours I spent digging, meditating, listening, and asking for advice weren't all for not. One day of questioning does not unravel the last 3 years of soul searching.
And to be honest, I am glad we are scared. We should be. We don't think this is going to be some cake walk where we sell everything and run off to an island for a happily ever after. We will be hustling, and failing, and coming back at things from different angles. But we will be doing it in an aligned way that is true to who we really are.
There's not much I 100% believe in wholeheartedly, because I think there is more gray in this world than black and white. But i 100% with all my heart believe that when you find out who you really are and what you really want, it doesn't matter how crazy things seem, they are always right.
Anyways, I came home and put everything in a pile. Went through all the rest of my shit, stacked it in a corner. When I text her about whether she wanted me to break down my closet or not, the real reason she left early 2 days prior surfaced. She felt like she was moving me out of my place instead of me having things ready for her. Simple as that. I was working from a space of wanting to keep things in tact so she could wade through what she wanted and didn't want, and she was working from a place of "just get what we bought in the car." Simple miscommunication.
I sent her a picture of the pile I had made, told her to forget the closet, it would complicate things, and she said it was absolutely perfect.
I hate miscommunication. I think as a people pleaser I try SO HARD to make everyone happy and to like me, that when it doesn't happen, it hits me deep. But I have also learned that it is unavoidable. We are all operating on different frequencies, and they are rarely going to match up.
So that's that. I just want this blog to be authentic, and I don't want people to read it and think things are easy, or they just fell into place, or that I'm not scared. I don't want to only put my best foot forward, because that shit just aint real. And if this space is anything I want it to be real.