I am a firm believer in double edged swords over here. I guess a more optimistic way to put that, is I 100% buy into the idea of nonduality. Basically, I think things can be good and bad all at the same time, and that things are just how they are. My strengths can work for me, but so can my weaknesses. I don't really view it as good or bad...it'sjust kind of how I am.
Having said that - I am always trying to improve. I am always reading some book on how to do something better, always re evaluating, always questioning and trying and retrying. Once again, this can be good, but it can also be tiresome...for myself AND those around me; but it's who I am and I am going to embrace that.
It's this idea that leads me to some serious self reflection in terms of the way I talk to myself. If you know me at all, you know that I am a FIRM believer in your thoughts shaping your reality. I think we are in complete control of who we are and what our life ends up looking like day to day. Currently, my self talk is terrible. Like, really, really bad. I am expecting the worst, not believing myself, and just viewing myself through a not so positive lense. I am so thankful that I know I can change this at anytime. So I am going to.
Here are things that I don't think I am good at and I beat myself up about:
- I am not fashionable/can't pull things off
- I am really bad at gifts
- I am not good at thank you notes and letters (I always write them and never send them)
- I suck at planning parties
- I am not good with money
- I care too much what everyone around me thinks...actually, even people who aren't around me.
I should note that this list came together within 10 seconds and I could have gone on and on and on...but this isn't about bashing myself, it's about facing the way I think of myself and changing it.
I also know there are things I am good at that I want to get even better at. I don't want to focus on just the things I see myself as lacking, I want to work on things I am already good at. It's all about coming at a challenge from a positive place. Here are the things I know I am good at and can be even better at:
- I am always willing to learn and get better
- I am very caring
- I am hard working
- I can be pretty when I put in the effort
- I am very self aware and honest with myself
- I am good at having fun :)
Both of these lists are things I will be spending the rest of the year focusing on. I have actually met a lot of my goals I set in January, and the ones I haven't met will be simple to accomplish in the next 8 months. Now it's time to accomplish some bigger picture things. The only way to conquer a fear is to stare it in the face and say "beat it, dude."
In fact, I think I will make this a recurring type of post on here. As you will see in a future entry, I have a pretty clear picture of what I want this blog to be, and what I don't want it to be, and for the most part, I don't want to focus too much on myself. BUT breaking these barriers is important to me, and I think it's also important to highlight that it is never too late to become someone you have been too scared to be.
So if you read this blog and you say "what is she doing, she doesn't normally dress like that..." yea, I know. I'm coming off a minimalist kick and I am going to start building my wardrobe in an unapologetic way. So sue me.
If you read this and you say "what is she doing, she missed the last 5 of my birthdays, who is she to put together a post about gifts," yea, I know. That's why I am working on it. (blanket apology for all those friends that got sucky gifts from me...I will make up for it.)
If you read this and you say "what is she doing, I know she was raised poor and couldn't afford to do this or that," yea, I KNOW. I am reading like fifty books about how to fix this. And I think I am really onto something so just let me live.
Get the idea?
I have been planting some SERIOUS seeds the last 2 years and I am so ready to bloom. I gave away all my belongings, made hard decisions, and kept the faith even when it seemed like I royally eff'ed up. So now I am ready to keep cultivating it all until I blossom, and I am going to do it unapologetically. So if you read this and think it is weird and out there for me...well, it probably is, and it's 100% on purpose.