Currently: Sitting cross legged in the kitchen on a bar stool watching Chris whip up some meatballs for our spaghetti dinner; wine glass to my right, MacBook to my front, puppies to my left, Randy Travis to the ear drums ("I'm diggin' up boooooones...").
I am just going to get right to it: life is good. Like, really good. I must admit, I barely recognized myself the last 6 months. The optimistic, laid back, adventurous Yuri had been replaced by a cynical, cautious, self defeating persona that I barely recognized. Still, I hung on. When I hated being in Mexico, when not one single thing went according to plan, when I felt like the worst friend, when jobs feel through, when I felt like a mooch, when I was short with the love of my life...when everything seemed useless and I felt like I had made the biggest mistakes I could possibly make, and I felt utterly embarrassed and confused, I hung on. Deep down I knew I was figuring something out. What it was, I had no idea; but I knew it was worth some struggle and confusion.
Here are some examples from my closest inanimate object throughout each stage of figuring this shit storm out:
January 5th: "I think I am not manifesting quite as much because I lost a lot of faith with the whole Puerto Rico plan blowing up at the last minute, and then being so scarily broke, and feeling trapped, and feeing like NOTHING was going the way we planned. Which makes me want to keep asking, 'WHY?'"
***Odd edit. I was going to continue this, but then my father passed away. I am not going to delete it because I want to remember this. My next post will deal with death, but this is nice to have. It is real. It is life. I will answer what the heck we are doing after I post my feelings about my father passing. I'm sure there will plenty of emotions to sift through as I work through this...but that's part of this whole thing. I have looked to blogs to keep me distracted in major life events...if I hit publish on any of these and some other woman loses herself in my issues and how they evolved, then I will be happy I contributed in some small way to this space that has done the same for me. Thank you for understanding this extreme stop in this post. It will pick back up soon. I think.