I know. I only took the password off this thing a couple months ago and I've already given it a face lift. Truth be told, I was just playing around with some new templates and the first one I tried I loved. So I just went with it. Ta da! New blog!
I also felt the urge to combine my musings with small bytes of travel - so I'm giving this weekly musing thing a shot. I have learned a lot through this platform already, one of them being I can't be afraid of looking dumb. If I try this and it doesn't work - oh well! I can always switch it up again.
SO. This week. I started a new Journal. This is always really symbolic for me. There's a journal where I moved to DTC to give myself some space and ease my budget, (which turned into a space to meditate freely and consistently). There's a journal that began right before I met Chris. There's a journal that began right before we went to Puerto Rico. Now there is a journal that begins right before we move. So much has happened in each and every one, and I am so excited to see what fills the pages of this personal little book.
Quick run down of the week: Saturday we had an amazing, simple dinner and stayed up talking, Sunday we hiked a 14'er, came back and made an awesome dinner and got wine drunk. During the week, despite my extreme cynicism, I took a class on social media and loved it. I redrafted this blog, Chris and I started meditating together in the mornings, YOGA all the time (I graduate on the 20th), work, one day I felt overwhelmed so I re-prioritized and cut out things that weren't necessary for alignment, and yesterday I realized a couple things had been consistently popping up and hitting me over the head, so I tried to implement them the best I could.
Enter the theme for the week: Feeling free.
It's jotted in my journals as far back as 2 or 3 years ago. I want to feel free. I want to be free. This could mean financially, socially, romantically, spiritually - anything really. I am learning I don't do well with constraints. Structure I can handle - constraints not so much.
But what is freedom, truly? I can only answer for myself, as these ideas will be different for everyone based on their experiences and where they are in their journey. But for me, this means always being able to rise above. It means being able to objectively look at my situation and realize I always have the choice. I can be scared to do what I want, or I can leap before I am ready and not give a fuck about the result because those results don't define me.
There's this book I kind of didn't like. It was part of a book club I was in for a while (can we pause a minute and talk about how bad I am at book clubs? Talk about not wanting constraints...it's the one time in my life I didn't enjoy reading - because it was on some one else's schedule). Anyways, everyone loved the book - I didn't. It was okay. Very well written, but there wasn't a whole lot I could relate to. Except for one quote. I was on a plane when I read it and I just started crying. It resonated with me so much, and has stuck with me ever since:
“She was the first person on either side of her family to go to college, and she held herself to insanely high standards. She worried a lot about whether she was good enough. It was surprising to see how relieved she seemed whenever I told her how amazing she was. I wanted her to feel strong and free. She was beautiful when she was free.”
― Rob Sheffield, Love Is a Mix Tape
I still get goosebumps when I read that.
I have had my share of relationships where I lost myself so much in the other person that I couldn't find who I was. Then that person would inevitably fall out of love with me because I was no longer the person they fell in love with. I was this person I was trying to be because I thought that's what they wanted.
I have been shackled financially because I spent my hard earned money on things I thought other people thought I should spend my money on. I have spent my precious time trying to be what other people want me to be. And I too, feel a wave of relief when someone tells me I am amazing, because it means all this hard work isn't going unnoticed.
But freedom, for me, is not needing that wave of relief in the first place. It's realizing that what other people think of me does not define my existence here.
Now, it's also the more cliche feelings as well: being able to go wherever I want and do whatever I want. Standing up for myself without fear of rejection. Committing to endeavors, big and small, with non attachment to the results.
Freedom is giving myself the chance to choose joy and love at any moment. Whether that's to take an exciting trip or to sit with extremely heavy emotions because my soul needs to process them in order to move on.
So I am doing things before I am ready. I'm updating the blog before it's perfect. I'm selling my shit 3 months before we leave. I am posting plans for teaching yoga before I have my certificate in my hands. And it all makes me feel really free. Because if I eat shit, I finally don't care. Judge me. I finally don't care. (Don't ask me if I will feel this way tomorrow. It's a crap shoot.)
Those are my thoughts on that. Now back to the adventures.
On a lighter note, this bitch is not in climbing shape. Bierstadt is supposed to be the easiest 14'er in Colorado. Lies.
Chris walked the whole thing with his freakin' hands in his pockets while I huffed and puffed up the mountain one little step at a time with my head hung low to prevent myself from seeing just how far we still had to go. BUT as with most struggles, this gave me an opportunity.
About half way up I stopped without telling him. I looked down to the valley we just walked from and enjoyed the view. In that moment I realized I was still enjoying myself. It didn't matter how many times I had to stop, I was enjoying the view and being outside. And then I let go. I let go of the thoughts that he would rather date someone who could run up this mountain, like the skinny blonde we had just passed. I let go of the thoughts that stopping for a break on a 14'er is a bad thing. I let go of the thoughts that I should be anything other than who I was climbing up that mountain. And then I kept going.
I was one sore little mountain goat the next day. Good thing yoga is life right now, because I am not sure I could walk otherwise. Chris wants me to do Longs with him as well, so it appears as though I have some conditioning to do in the coming month and half.
Wish me luck.