Before I go on, I want everyone to know I am a half a bottle of wine deep already.
Now that we have the context set, I'd like to proceed.
I had to double check the dates to make sure that this week of musings actually started on the 17th. I had to look back in my journal and check. Did I really only graduate from CPYTT on Sunday? Was there really a journal entry within the last 7 days that said I only had two classes left before I graduated? Against all recollections, it was indeed only 4 days ago that I walked away a yoga teacher.
So much has happened this week that my mind can't wrap my head around the fact that only 7 days have passed since my last post. The puppies were supposed to get fixed but didn't, I had to teach a full C1 yoga class to a fellow student while my instructors watched and took notes, I took my final exam, we went camping in Granby, I had my final official class of teacher training, I did a ton of self examination before the new moon/eclipse, we had a new moon party with the girls, I worked, and to top things off, I had my first micro needling experience.
Whew. Let's start from the top.
The puppies will get fixed. They just weren't fixed on Friday. The reason was...well I'm just going to say it: Chris wants to explore every option available for Rico to keep his balls. Plain and simple. And I guess if I had balls, I would want to keep them too. So that's that.
Teacher training: I felt so good teaching that last class. Things just clicked. I had fun with it. It all flowed. I could have done better on the test, but I know I have a lifetime to learn about the chakras and 8 limbs. I love it and will learn organically. I am not the least bit worried that I didn't get every single question right. (That statement in itself says a whole lot of how much yoga has helped my mental game. Hellllloooo recovering type A.)
Saturday we went camping up at Tucker's place in Grand County. It was a blast. We smoked a hog he shot, rode in the Wildcat, went swimming in the river, and I may or may not have drank half a bottle of Jameson (or more....the bottle was gone and I am not sure how much help I had). We had to leave early because I had my YTT graduation at 2:00. Which is where I found my inspiration for the week.
We flowed through a C1 class blindfolded (check my FB for a funny video on that) and then we had a little backyard celebration downtown after. It was amazing....we passed thread back and forth, picking one person who inspired us throughout the 8 weeks, creating a web of vibrational thread that we then stringed mala beads onto.
My inspiring friend Nicole picked me. I was brought to tears as she told me I spoke up and asked all the questions she was afraid to ask. She said I was vocal, not afraid to look vulnerable, and brave. What meant even more to me was that she felt like I really cared about her. That I asked many questions and dug deep to find out about her. Lastly, she said it was obvious how passionate I was about this path.
I am not sharing this because I need to toot my own horn. I am sharing this because I always think people are annoyed that I talk too much - but to her, I was asking all the questions she was afraid to ask. I am sharing this because I think being too vocal is a downfall of mine and that I am vulnerable to a fault, often deferring to self deprecating humor to hide my insecurities. I am sharing this because deep down I am always scared that people don't think I care, when all I do is care. I want people to know they are heard, how much they matter, and that they deserve everything they want. But I am scared I don't come across that way.
So to hear her say that all the things I metaphorically whip myself with over and over again are actually good things....well, that just meant a lot to me.
Secondly, we passed around a bag and were to pick a rock out of that bag. We couldn't look at it until the mala bead threading was done. (How hippy am I right now?) Anyways, we were allowed to look at it after and then tell the group what it meant to us. Ironically enough, my rock was Joy.
I set goals. I get tunnel vision. I get uptight and focused, and lose sight of my present surroundings. As one of my favorite writers, Gabby Bernstein puts it, I "future trip." So even before this graduation, I had told Chris "Man, I need to chill the fuck out. I need to stop being so uptight. I don't even smoke weed, but maybe I should smoke weed? I've got to relax." So the fact that Joy came up for me is rather comical.
With the idea of Joy knocking me upside the head over and over again, I decided that would be my intention for the new moon party we were having on Monday night. Don't know if you heard, but there was a solar eclipse on Monday (I also don't know if you heard, but apparently the leaf shadows looked pretty cool too...)
Never been to a new moon party? Neither had I until a few months ago. We bring wine, sit around in a circle, and tell the group our intentions for the month, one by one. Then we take flowers we brought, along with essential oils, and put them in a bowl with bath salts (the bathing kind, not the eat someones face kind) and light a candle with whatever design we felt appropriate to paint on the glass. There's a lot of different ways to have a new moon ritual, but the idea is that you set clear intentions, release them into the Universe, and let the candle burn knowing it is done. It's really interesting to do more than once with a group because the energy really varies from moon to moon. The first party we had, everyone was crying. This time we were all really solid and confident. I don't know the science behind it, but I know I feel it.
ANYWAYS, my intention was to joyfully be myself. To stop worrying about if saying what I want to say has consequences. To trust that I have put in the work to achieve my goals and that it's already been done. To know I asked and will receive, and in the meantime to enjoy my last 30 days here, being who I am, with the people closest to me.
I was talking to my good friend Mandi the other day and I just started gushing because never, in my entire life, have I ever felt more drawn to a process. I don't know what I am doing but I know it feels right. I feel like I am blindly being drawn to something - and although I don't know the outcome, I am still willing to throw it all out there and see what happens.
Lastly, I had my first micro needling sesh on Wednesday. I know, out of all the things I have talked about, this is the deepest. ;) But for real, my friend Larissa (as seen in posts here and here) took classes and is doing it on her own now. It basically pokes holes in the skins surface to boost collagen production and helps with everything from fine lines to acne scarring. I'll have one more session before I leave and am really excited to see the results.
So i guess that's it. My takeaways from this week are to fucking relax and be myself, enjoy my the company of my friends, and joyfully be myself.
With that, I am going to sign off. Usually I comb through this for spelling errors and grammar mistakes, BUT I am now a full bottle of wine deep soooooooo see ya and don't judge me.