I am officially a nomad. On Friday I turned in my keys and drove away from my perfect little DTC apartment for good. It should have been a day of reflection, but to be honest, I was so effing busy, I didn't have time to sit down and think about things until about 30 minutes before my final walk through with the leasing office. (I will say this was a nice half hour though. I simply laid on the floor, everything clean and empty, and just said thank you for everything I learned while living there. Then I meditated and was just so grateful for the year I spent there.)
I guess I should back track a little. Prior to Friday, my mom had come up and helped me deep clean the place. It was great to spend some time with her. We played the same CD she used to play when we cleaned our house growing up. We talked, we laughed. It was just really nice. We also found all my journals and notes from the last 3 years. It's easy to forget how much I have worked for all of this. Even when I felt crazy for writing and writing and reading and reading. If anyone else read this pile they would think I was a psychopath with all the crazy notes. But they are mine and mine only. Each entry and note book represents a small step toward the direction of my true self, and for me, that's worth remembering.
But let's start even further back with my multiple mental freak outs from the previous week. I had been living in a half moved out apartment for more than a comfortable amount of time. If you know me, you know I like things in their place - "just so" as Chris makes fun of me for. But a put together atmosphere gives me peace of mind. I was living in the opposite of that - and it was really starting to wear on me. However, as with most uncomfortable situations, it gave me a chance to work through a bunch of road blocks.
I thought I would share just a few of the struggles I went through over the last few weeks. They all ended up teaching me something, but I thought a little live journaling might be more authentic than trying to piece together an eloquent article. Because shit gets messy. And it's not always pretty.
First and foremost - I realized I am not going to get anywhere unless I DO the things I am talking about. I am not going to get any better at yoga by reading a book or taking courses. I have to go to class and get my ass to the mat and move my body. I have to have small, seemingly insignificant shifts in my body that will eventually lead me to increased flexibility and balance. Reading is great, courses are great, learning is great. But it's not going to change my body and in the end, that is what this entire Yoga journey is all about. Because through the change in body comes the change in mind.
Secondly, this free spirit, travel the world, following my heart thing is great - but that does not mean I can forgo a healthy dose of responsibility and discipline. Through various circumstances that have arisen as of late, I have had to take a hard look in the mirror and realize that I do in fact, need to be more responsible, and hold myself accountable for not only my decisions, but for maintaining the discipline that will allow me to follow my dreams.
SO. No more half marathon training, no more Netflix (okay, not as much NF), and no more scrolling through IG for hours watching other people do yoga. I don't have the space to train for a half marathon. I just don't. Yoga is my priority right now. I find it SO IMPORTANT to nail down what my priorities are. Otherwise, I just float through the day doing what I feel in the moment. And these moments don't always align with what I want in the bigger picture. So yoga is my priority. Practicing yoga is my priority. Inspiration from others is one thing, watching other people do things I want to do because I'm feeling lazy is quite another.
I feel called to practice every day the same way I felt called to meditate every day back in September. I know it's what I need to bring me to the next level physically and mentally. It's the building block for the rest of my dreams (at least for the coming year) and it deserves my time, and effort.
This brings me to my third point: I am not going to be perfect. I am going to write an article about self acceptance and then go to a girls night and compare myself to every.single.friend there and then go home and cry to my boyfriend about feeling inadequate. I am going to be in yoga teacher training and then post a picture of Warrior 2 and my alignment might be off. My poses aren't going to be perfect. I can't do a handstand yet. And there are thousands of women out there who are better at yoga than me who aren't trying to teach. But I am not going to let an inverted hip, or a shallow lunge prevent me from sharing my journey.
This applies to travel as well. I have friends that could outblog (yes I just made that a verb) me any day with their amazing day-to-day travels. But I am not going to let that hold me back from chasing my dreams the way I can. Their stories are beautiful. But they are not mine. I don't know what my path will look like, but I know I have to take it one step at a time. I also know I can't let the fact that someone is doing something better, stop me from at least starting my own journey.
And this brings me to my next point: I can't please everyone. I keep operating from a space where I make my decisions based on who I can please most. But at the end of the day I need to remember the lessons I have learned OVER and OVER. It doesn't matter what decision I make, someone is going to disagree. I can't base my life on avoidance of conflict and disapproval. These are inevitable. I don't necessarily need to expect them, but I shouldn't be surprised when they occur. I can't avoid them. So the only person I should listen to at the end of the day is myself. Because that's the only person I have to answer to the rest of my life.
Glad I got that out. This blog is amateur. I am not a professional photographer, writer, or web developer. But that isn't going to stop me from taking pictures of things I find beautiful, writing what I feel, and posting on this bare bones platform. I will write something one day and then forget my own advice the next. But at least I am aware and moving in the right direction. Each little time I realize a little quicker that I am repeating unwanted patterns, I get a little bit closer to cutting off the head of the demon initiating the frustration.
Other realizations (I am combining a week's worth of "aha" moments into one post - stick with me):
Leave it to me to put something in the "About Me" section of the blog and then totally forget to follow my own advice once things start getting crazy.
There is so much going on and not going on all at the same time. I have alllll of these deadlines looming and I am trying to chip away at them so I don't overwhelm myself, but I am overwhelmed. I have 2 puppies that require a lot of attention, I'm trying not to let any of my friends down and make sure I am as present as possible and also just enjoy them because I love them so much, I'm moving and trying to save money all at the same time - money is always on my mind, my lease is up in 2 days so I am trying to get rid of the last of my stuff, donate/sell what clothes I can, deep clean the apartment, and fix up everything the puppies damaged in their first few months living here, I don't really have anything to cook with so I am eating out all the time, oh yeah and my career is so foreign to me because I still can't transition this nightmare client. I have Yoga teacher training 3 times a week for 3 hours each session, and 60 yoga classes to fit in before September, bills to pay and cancel since I am moving, planning a business that I can hit the ground running with in October, being a good girlfriend, and trying to enjoy doing it all. I feel like I am focused on a future endeavor and trying not to let the present slip away from my focus simultaneously.
It's a lot.
But I have realized a few things along the way:
- This is growth. In every sense of the word, my body and mind are being pushed to new limits so I can pass into the next phase of my life. I'm still in my Denver cocoon, and it's going to take some effort and determination to break open the cocoon and fly away. It hurts. Growth always does. Physically and mentally there has to be some pains in order to grow. This is normal.
- My friendships go deep. As much as I would like things to always be laughter and appreciation, and support, the reality is that if I want true, real, deep friendships, there has to be times where things suck. Times when we disagree, annoy, misunderstand, and lash out. Times when we have to have tough conversations. Times when we have to apologize. Then there has to be times where we work through the misunderstandings and lick our wounds and mend. Eventually we get back to those special moments where the stars align and we just feel so lucky to have those people in our lives - when we just feel genuinely supported and laugh until we cry. But these times are only as sweet as the evolution it took to get there.
- I have no idea what I am doing but I know I want it more than anything I have ever wanted. I have never set my sights on something this intensely. I have put my mind to a lot of things, but I have never been so determined to make something work. I want this life we are creating. I want a life where there are no weekends, where every day is chasing something I love. I want something I can't quite even put my finger on yet, but I want it enough that even with all of this going on, I haven't thought about turning back once. I have thought I am crazy, under qualified, selfish, and unprepared. But not once have I thought I should stop and turn around. That really says something to me.
- I need to chill the effffff out, dude. For real. The sun is going to rise tomorrow whether I fix the baseboards in my apartment or not. If they charge me from my security deposit, then so be it. If my business takes off the way I want it to, great, if not, I'll figure it out. Things don't usually go the way we plan them to anyways. Thanks to the boyfriend for reminding me of this one. He got a flat tire yesterday and instead of freaking out, he turned the situation on it's head and had fun with it and everything turned out fine. I'll do what I can each day, and if it works out, great. If not, the sun will come out and I'll attack it from a different angle. This is fun! I'm going to stop taking everything so seriously! Yes I can be more responsible, but if someone thinks I am not, well then fuck it. Who cares. I'm not doing any of this for them.
I'm growing into who I want to be. Which is scary as shit. But it's what I want. So it's time to have some fun with it. Bring on the pain! It's nothing I haven't felt before. Before I know it I'll be on a flight to an island and all of this will be in the past anyways. I might as well enjoy the chaos while it lasts.
If you're still reading - wow. And thanks - as always.