I like to think of myself as a realist. But if you ask anyone who has had the pleasure of having an argument with me, I can have my delusions. I am fully aware that my reality is filtered through a mixture of life events that have shaped my subconscious along with a deep and competitive need to be right. Plus, I am a woman - as such, I will twist anything I can in order to prove my point - even if I am not doing it on purpose.
I also like to consider myself an optimist. I like to expect the best and take an attitude of action to produce the most desired results. Sometimes being a realist and optimist at the same time is confusing. (Hellooooo Gemini....) But I really do think it's not only possible, but very rewarding. As long as I stay consistent.
I have a short attention span sometimes. While I love a good routine, I also get bored and like to shake things up quite a bit. A weekend of relaxing and reading and I am ready to go buck wild the next Friday. A weekend of going buck wild and all I want to do is curl up on the couch and read. This brings me to the current mindset I am trying to capture like water through cupped hands (It's possible, but you have to be willing to let a little bit go and give the rest of it some effort.)
Being present. What will I feel like doing next weekend? Who knows. But tonight I want to stay in and write. And if I have plans that don't seem to jive with what I am feeling in that moment, it doesn't mean I need to cancel, it just means I need to go into it with an open mind and listen to myself if I feel like leaving.
Lately I have been really sticking to my commitments. The most highly prioritized commitment being meditation and visualization, and setting myself up for success to keep my routine in order to do so. I realized today, that in order for me to be up by 5 and of sound mind enough to pull my ass out of bed, I have to be under the covers and asleep before 10. I just have to. That's where my body is at. It's not the will power to get up in the morning, it's the planning the night before to set myself up to do so. Eating healthy is not about the will power in the moment, it's about setting myself up for success the weekend before and making sure I have good stuff in my pantry to go to. It doesn't have to be a lot, but it needs to be something.
So, my routine has been good. I have been sticking to it. But that's the thing with routines, they become, well, routine. They lose their newness. They lose their luster. You plateau.
It's easy to see the benefits of meditation when it's your first week and you have never felt so at peace. It's easy to eat healthy when you have been eating shit for months and you finally have energy. But as with anything, good or bad, after you have done it a while, your body and your mind find a new normal.
On the one hand, this is great! My starting point is light years away from where it was 6 months ago. I could take two steps back and one step forward and still be a better version of myself than I was in January.
But on the other hand, it can get boring. Where are the results? Yes, I got my apartment the way I visualized it. Yes, I am going through each day with time on my side, and able to comfortably pay my bills. But...what now?
How do I feel grateful, bored, fulfilled, skeptical, and unaccomplished all at the same time? I've got my routine down. (Well, not when I don't go to bed early but that's easily changeable.), but am I being naive? Do I not have it down as much as I think I do? What if I get complacent and lose it all? What if I don't have it all to begin with and this optimism is simply an illusion?
Working through this pragmatically I realize this: I have made a lot of progress. I have moved out of an area of town that wasn't serving me anymore. I made the financial decision to live somewhere with lower rent and allowed myself more spending money, while at the same time paying off accumulating debt. I have given myself enough space to really work on myself and listen to myself. I am saying no when I want to say no, and yes when I want to say yes. I am writing this post.
But I also have debt to continue to pay off, and trips to still pay for, and marathons to still run, and issues to address that are buried so deep down I might not even know they exist yet. I have a man to meet, and friends to continue to connect with. I have an entirely new plateau to grow into. And none of that is boring or routine.
There are so many instances in my life that I have put in SO much time and effort into something for quite a long duration, only to let it slip through my fingers at the very end because I thought I had already achieved the result. Now is not the time for me to get complacent. I can realistically acknowledge how much progress I have made, while simultaneously taking note of the fact that I still have a long ways to go. I can enjoy the routines I have built for myself, while making sure I don't get lazy and forget to do the small things that make these routines possible in the first place.
Don't self sabotage yourself Yuri. Stay the course and enjoy watching where it takes you if you keep your most deeply held promises to yourself, while at the same time being flexible enough to see where you end up.
You can work towards results without the life or death struggle. Just because you don't feel like your world is crashing in around you, doesn't meant you can't still feel the need to progress. You can be in a good place and still keep moving forward. Not everything has to be leaps and bounds like you are used to. It's not either or. It's not either sitting in your living room wondering how you should end it all, or being so rigid with yourself that you sit in the closet every morning visualizing JUST how you want your day to go in order to stay positive.
You have gotten to a point where you can enjoy your life and grow at the same time. Embrace this slow progression. It is not boredom - it's freedom. You worked for this. Now get used to it and keep moving forward.