This could be shit. But I have to come to terms with loving the process and letting the results be whatever they end up being. I'll worry about results when I have some sort of idea of what I want them to be. I guess for now it doesn't matter if it does turn out shitty because I don't really have a plan going into it anyways do I? I just have something needing let out so I'll let it out. (I guess that's the definition of shit isn't it....)
Experience: Realizing that there is some sort of subconscious belief that my higher good is not actually good - and this is holding me back from trusting and opening myself up fully. I can feel it. I am aware of it. And I'd like to release it.
My fear is that if I turn my life over to it's highest good, the most true path, that I am opening myself up to experiences I do not want to have. If I give up control and let something higher guide me fully, it will punish me before enlightening me.
My first reaction to why this happens is that it's due to a Christian upbringing. (Note* I love the Christian faith. I think it's beautiful, and true in it's own right. But I as a human, with my own perceptions, chose to interpret some of it in an untrue way. And now in order to explore another option, I have to shift my mindset and beliefs in order to fully give it a chance.) I believed suffering was a necessary prerequisite to happiness. And it still could be. But I'd like to entertain the idea that it doesn't have to. Is there a possibility that we can find joy without first being exposed to misery and suffering?
When I hand things over to the Universe/God/the Source/whateveryouwanttocallit, I hesitate. The beliefs swirling around my consciousness are that if I hand it over, I will end up like Job. Fellow bible school drop outs, do you remember him?Sick, miserable, poor, and in pain. Like him, I'll lose the things I love, lose the things that make me happy, and be taught that I shouldn't be attached to these things anyways. I'll be put in a situation I don't want to go through because I am a bad human with bad desires, and worldly things shouldn't make me happy anyways. I will be stripped of enjoyment so I can learn to rely solely on the love of God. Once again, I don't think this is the intention of Christianity, but it's how I soaked it in over the years of Vacation Bible School, and Sunday service, and Youth Group - my fault, not the church's. I also can't fight the feeling that I am not the only one who interpreted God's love that way.
Lately I have been drawn to the idea that maybe this berating isn't what God actually wants for me. Could he truly just want me to be happy? Even if that means I don't give anything up? I still get to enjoy buying material things to make me feel pretty, and having sex, and indulging in food, and cursing when it just fucking feels GOOD? Can I allow these worldly things to make me happy? Can I drink too much wine and kiss too many boys and be lazy and do whatever I want whenever I want?
I think the answer is YES. If those things TRULY make me happy, then they can't be "bad." I can only rely on my personal experience, but the last few years of my life have backed up this philosophy undoubtedly. For years I acted out all of the aforementioned "sins" with the guilt in the back of my mind that I shouldn't be doing them, and then rebelliously doing them anyways. But lately I have done all of these things with an open awareness of whether they truly make me happy, and by paying close attention how they make me feel and if they are in line with my deepest priorities, and I will say this: the more freedom I give myself to explore what really makes me happy, the more I am naturally drawn to joy.
This has led me to a different view of God and the Universe entirely. These guys give me some goddamn elbow room to figure shit out. These guys aren't so serious all the time. These guys smirk at me with a look in their eyes that they know how this will play out and it's really neither good or bad, but just an experience I will stock up in my small window of life here - and they want that small window to be full of all the feels.
Even if some of those feels hurt. Because hurting means we are alive.
Allow the basic bitch in me to throw in a quote from Brad Pitt in the movie Troy that I think portrays this idea beautifully:
"The gods envy us. They envy us because we are mortal, because any moment may be our last. Everything is more beautiful because we are doomed. You will never be lovelier that you are now. We will never be here again."
In essence, it's not about eliminating trials, but more about flipping the script on how we choose to view them. If I am honest with myself, I do not believe there is any way around life handing me some lemons. I don't think it hands them to me on purpose based on how good or bad of a person I am, but I do think it just naturally grows them and sometimes the path I choose leads me smack dab into an entire lemon orchard. But, I also think that I can choose to meander my way out of this orchard with an attitude that is patient, curious, and objective - even if it's not easy in that moment.
So what I have decided for myself is this: Hurting and suffering are not mutually exclusive. I can choose to experience all this world has to offer: the highs of the mountain tops and the struggle of the valleys. Because none of it is bad, and none of it really good either. But it's there, and it's ready to be felt. So I'm going to stop being numb or ignoring undesirable emotions because I was taught they are "bad." I will embrace them as moments I get to string onto my life experience. And ironically, this attitude will in turn eliminate the suffering I was fearful of in the first place. It will give me the confidence to let the Universe and God guide me, because I know wherever I end up will mean I'm alive and feeling things - and that is always beautiful.
Pushing fear away doesn't work for me. Running away from pain doesn't work for me. But opening my arms and accepting them for part they play in my life - well that does work for me. Because I have reached a point where I realize life is so beautiful that I want to let it all in - lemons and all.
And the best part of all this is that I learned it without losing all my belongings, or beating myself up, or admitting I am a terrible person who needs "taught a lesson for my terrible behavior." I learned it through trial and error, an open mind, a close watch on what makes me tick, and constant communication with a higher power that I respect and appreciate and am amazed by, but that I absolutely do not FEAR.
There is no reason for fear when I realize it's not only okay to be happy and enjoy life - but it's actually what God wants too. So I guess I am okay with handing it all over and seeing where it takes me. Because now I can truly wrap my head around the fact that we actually all want the same thing: to be as in touch with who we really are as possible - and I believe who we rally are is not a sick, suffering being, but a joyful, content, and thriving being. But that's just me :)