Let's get right to the point here: I am questioning myself. I'm questioning why I decided to start this (posting on a website I have hidden, with really no game plan other than just documenting each week) I am questioning why I don't want to run, why I signed up for a marathon in Barcelona and don't want to do it anymore, if yoga as a replacement is the easy way out, if I am just getting wrapped up in another "fad," if I am wasting my time, if I will ever be smart with money, if I am doing this whole manifestation thing properly, are people in my life going to get mad at me for putting this out there?
Let's face it, I am half way through the 6 months I gave myself to make changes and I am freaking out, man. I lay in bed in shear panic last night that eventually, I am going to have to make this thing public. My heart is racing just typing that.
I am at that point where I am doing what I promised myself I would do (most of the time) and I can reach out for my goals, I can see them, but I can't touch them yet. It's disheartening. I don't want to let it slip away. Some of them aren't even in reach. I feel like they are so far away I must be crazy to even give time to them. Am I making up that they are even real in the first place? Will the calendar say March and I will be in the same place?
And what am I expecting? After February 28th I will all of the sudden have everything I have been working towards? Just there? I guess I kind of am...which makes me feel crazy.
It's hard putting my subconscious fears into writing, but if I had to describe it, I would say that right here, today, in this moment, I am (pauses for inordinately long amount of time), I am, oh god what am I? I can't even decide what I am! <-- That little song and dance is how I feel about most things right now: certain I am feeling them, but uncertain of how to label them.
Even writing right now I don't feel like myself. Where is my wit and eloquent candor? What are those boring 4 paragraphs I just wrote? Why can't I come up with a GD metaphor for Christ's sake?!
I swear I have been meditating.
But okay, here is the thing. I am doing what I told myself I would do. When I started this whole thing I said I would wake my ass up and meditate every day. I would visualize how I want my days to go, and I would visualize my larger life vision as well. That was it. The race, the travel, the money, the brand - those were all things I was willing to let fall into place as they may as long as I was doing my part in getting my ass to the mat, and making sure I had a clear picture of where I wanted to go. (*annnnd cue the questioning "but Yuri, IS your picture clear? ... )
Little self reminder here: I am only half way. I should not expect to have everything right now or what's the point of giving myself a 6 month time frame? Who knows who I will meet and what will transpire in the next few months.
I guess I am not always going to sit down and this keyboard and write something I am proud of. If that's what you are looking for (whoever you are - this site is still private as of now, so technically you as a reader don't even exist yet) then this is the wrong place. That's the point of all this: I'm just a normal fucking person trying to make this time on Earth the best I can, and right now that means getting in touch with who I really am. And I guess she IS a writer. A sometimes shitty writer, but a writer nonetheless.
And another thing! If AM doing all this wrong, and i DONT get what I think I want, and all of this IS a waste of time - that doesn't mean I should stop. I need to get comfortable with failure. I need to trust the process, trust what has been whispered to me and also what has knocked me upside the head. Maybe this is stupid. But I've done stupider things with much less of a chance of some sort of positive outcome.
I said I would meditate and visualize for 6 months and see where I was at. I'm going to keep doing it, and I am going to make it even more of a priority, and even more, I am going to do it from the deepest place of truth in myself I can absolutely reach. I can't promise I will always be happy about it, or sure about it, or proud of it. But I will be aware of it, I will do it on purpose, and I will try my very very best.
The path has changed, but my consistencies I have promised to develop has not. And that gives me the most hope of anything I have written today so far.
Lord help me....