You guys. Life is good. Life is really good. But life is never perfect.
I have an amazing boyfriend, two beautiful puppies, a great adventure looming in the future, a solid group of friends who not only are wild and crazy, but also grounded, compassionate, caring, successful, and funny. I have a strong steady career...... *record scratch*
Things are changing. I've said it before and I'll say it again: CHANGE IS INEVITABLE. But navigating it is always somewhat of a bitch. I love a good challenge, but it's still a bitch.
I guess I want to start out with saying that I know i brought this on myself. I can't create vision boards, and meditate, and manifest new things in my life, and then when the old stuff starts to go away, start grasping at it and complaining that things are changing. I'm not a toddler. I understand this stuff in this head of mine, it's just my emotions that won't jump on board.
I love my job. I love my company. I love my co workers, and I sometimes even love my clients! But I was just handed a deal that was too large for my skill set (once again, always up for a challenge but TBH the challenge wasn't the breaking point) and the way it was handled along the way really made me question if I want to stay.
So I am at a cross roads.
Do I stand up against something I feel was wrong and just go ahead and take the leap into the life I was going to start in Puerto Rico anyways? Or do I resign myself to the idea that this was an isolated event, and continue to work the 8-5 so I can save money and then start the creative journey when I get to PR? Am I being impatient by putting my foot down? Or am I setting clear boundaries?
I could find a bar tending gig a couple nights a week and then nanny a little as well to replace my income. It wouldn't be as reliable, but it would give me my days to work on these projects and love on the pups, and enjoy my last few months here. Or I could keep what I already have and still have my nights and weekends while saving responsibly for the move.
Like most things, there is not a clear black and white answer. It's hard to navigate. So I think what I am going to do is this: be honest. I am going to tell my boss and everyone involved in the deal which things aren't sitting well with me. I will tell them I don't know if I want this to be my last client or not - that I think I would like to stay until September, but I am having a hard time deciding what the right decision is. And then I will let the cards fall where they may. If I have to find a couple summer jobs, I can. If it feels right to stay, I will stay.
For a recovering control freak this is scary. I want to budget. I want a list. I want to know how to plan. But that's one of the lessons in this situation I suppose: do the right thing and then respond accordingly.
And until then, I wait....