Light bulb moment: What if I stopped trying to be better than anyone? I'd like to be done with that phase of my life.
Standing by the printer at work, waiting for my 300 copies of marketing collateral for a large client I had just been assigned, my mind started to wander. I looked down at myself and thought a very vain and competitive thought: would people from high school be jealous that I was still skinny? It's embarrassing, I hate to admit it, but I guess I will just be honest.
I consider myself a nice and caring person. But there is definitely an undertone of needing to be "better" than people in order to feel validated.
To redeem myself, my next thought was "No wonder I have a hard time connecting with people the way I want to deep down - why would anyone want to like someone who is trying to make them feel jealous?"
One of my life filters is that in order to be "worthy" I must be be "better." And that's bullshit. It's bullshit for me, it's bullshit for everyone I come into contact with - it's bullshit all around.
So I'm done. I'm turning 30 in a few weeks and I've decided this: I don't care if you're prettier than me. I don't care if your job is better, your skin is better, your bank account is better, your husband/boyfriend is better. I'm done competing. And I'm so sorry it took me 29 years, 11 months, and 5 days to figure this thought pattern out.
But please, please, know that my competitive nature was never about anyone but myself. It was always my own issue. I have never felt good enough. It's not an excuse, just a truth.
So to everyone I have ever come into contact with that didn't leave our interaction feeling better about themselves, I am truly sorry from the bottom of my heart.
SO. That's the top of my 30 in 30 list. The whole thing goes something like this:
- Stop trying to be better than anyone. Do things because they make me happy - not because I have to prove myself.
- Wash my makeup off every night. I have a lot of drunken nights in my 20's to make up for...
- Have a website that I have made public, that I enjoy creating and adding content to, that has a clear and inspiring vibe. (Even if I'm the only who sees it that way.)
- Stop giving a fuck what anyone thinks of me besides my ride or die friends, and my family. Their opinions should always carry weight.
- Bring my career and the man of my dreams to live on an island...
- Complete my 200 hour Yoga teacher training.
- Complete certification to teach mat Pilates.
- Visit at least 2 new countries.
- Learn something from all the amazing people I meet and be able to capture them beautifully in writing.
- Keep meditating every day - even if I can only fit in 5 minutes.
- Give thoughtful gifts to all my close friends on their birthdays (I currently SUCK at gifts.)
- Remember to prioritize my time and manage it accordingly. (If I want all the things on this list, hours of TV just won't fit in.)
- Don't give into pressure to spend my hard earned money on anything other than things I feel are aligned with who I am or who I want to be.
- Learn to paddle board!
- Get a DSLR camera and learn how to use that bitch.
- Workout to love my body - not to change it.
- If I can comfortably afford it, I would like a boob job. I know - stark contrast to number 16. But I have wanted one for a while and I know I love my body the way it is already, but that doesn't mean I can't want a little more...
- Oh hey #17 - you're making me want to make #18 to be: Never feel the need to justify my desires to anyone. If I want something, it's really no one else's business why.
- Remind people that they are enough.
- Remind myself that I am enough.
- Remind us all that we are all special and completely not special at the same time. We are all remarkable, but no more so than anyone else.
- Raise 2 well behaved puppies.
- Read the 33 books I currently have listed in my queue at the back of my Journal.
- Choose Love/God/The Universe every day, over and over when I start to get negative with myself or others.
- Call my family more.
- Find my love for running again.
- Start my own business. (Keep my career too.)
- Make ___ thousand dollars this year. (This is one specific item I am not willing to share publicly.)
- Keep a solid morning routine.
- Write every day. Every week. And don't be ashamed to share.
- Try new recipes! All the time! Kitchen time makes me happy.
- Have the confidence and notgiveafuckery to express myself and my home however I want to at that time through my own personal style.
- Build a small Apothecary for myself.
- Love myself so much that I don't need anyone else to do it for me.
- Don't let anyone make me feel like I need to live my life a certain way just because I turned 30.
I know that's 35, but this is my blog and I do what I want. Cheers to another birthday in the books and a list of ideas to look back at on my next one.