Surrender. To a control freak like me, this word makes me feel like a vampire in broad daylight. And not those Twilight vampires - old school vampires. The vampires that would shrivel into a pile of ashes that rise into the shape of a bat and then fly away screaming in pain.
Okay, but it's probably really necessary.
Why? Because I don't know shit. I don't know the best way to do things, I don't know myself as well as my Creator does, I don't know why we are here or what we are supposed to do while we are here. I don't know what science will reveal a month from now about a certain vegetable being bad for you, or how to fix global warming, or if global warming is or isn't a thing. I don't know if we walked on the moon or who killed Kennedy, or anything from any of my history classes for that matter. I don't even know the things people were paid to try to get me to know. So I definitely don't know the things other people don't even know to unsuccessfully teach me yet.
I don't know. I wake up every morning and I don't know. Yes I like my routines, I like my surroundings a certain way, i like my schedule predictibaly unpredictable, and I like my life spontaneous yet well thought out. If you were me you wouldn't know either. Try being me or living with me. It's all too confusing to try to figure out.
So I have stopped trying to figure it out. I surrender. I wave the the white flag rubble of my shrapnel filled mind. (Oh how dramatic.) However, surrender does not mean I give up. I will never know the meaning of life, but I will still read every fucking book i can get my little hands on about it. I like to think grandiose thoughts about our time here. I don't know what my highest truth is or what I should be doing with my life...but I will keep asking for guidance to be brought closer to whatever it is that I don't know is best for me yet. I don't really know the purpose of this paragraph but I am still going to write it and see what happens.
I surrender control, because I finally understand that I don't know any better. I hand it over to the powers that be. Don't ask me who I think God is, because once again, i seriously don't know. But I know there is some sort of Love Source. There is something that is bigger than me. There is something that we all have in common. There is something that will still be there when I am gone. There is an ultimate truth and an ultimate love. That's what I feel deep down. Who "he" is or what it wants me to do with my life I have no idea. But I know that whatever it is I am in in awe of it, I know it's bigger than me, and I know that if I hand my shit over to it every day, things will probably work out better than if I tried to micro manage them to death.
To me surrender doesn't mean giving up. Surrender means admitting I don't know, so I am asking for help. And then I do the best with what I am given. And then the next day I hand it over again. And little by little a picture starts to emerge. I use the brush physically, but a Wiser Love gives me the inspiration of what to paint. We work together, this surrender and I. I hand over expectations and control, and get to work. Surrender is work. Surrender is work for something higher we can't see yet. Surrender is trusting that we can work for something we don't see yet because it is TRUTH.
I guess that's the optimistic side of me speaking. I believe that if we let go and surrender to what we don't know, it's in that moment that we are drawn to what is best for us. I believe that the more we cling to what we think we want and what we think is best for us with white knuckles, the more we sell ourselves short. I think we all have a TON of potential that many of us rarely tap into because we are so stuck on our "plans."
I guess i could play devils advocate here. What if you don't surrender. What if you know what you want and you grind it out through thick and thin until you accomplish it. You don't take no for an answer, and you do everything you can every day to stick to the plan. Well then, I would say you must really, really want that thing you are working towards, and that passion should be admired. But maybe if you had been more flexible with how you got there, you could have gotten there in half the time? Or in a more fulfilling way?
I guess we will never know. Which is pretty much my point.