You have probably noticed I have started to incorporate list posts into this blogosphere. I like lists. I like clarity. But I also like the tippety tap of my fingers on the keyboard trying to keep up with the mess of recaps from the previous week. So, since I can, I am going to just keep doing both!
On this particular day, while I am sitting out on our patio listening to the pool fountain and feeling a slight breeze on my skin, I feel like writing about a convergence of two ideas: One being that it doesn't matter how beautiful of a place you are, if your perspective is shit, then that will bleed out into your experience; and 2. that once again, it doesn't matter how beautiful of a place you run off to, if you are meant to be learning a lesson, that lesson will follow you.
I like to glorify things with detailed expectations: Chris and I running away to an island, with the shore just across the street, yoga at my fingertips and a feeling of constant tranquility pulsing through my veins. Still, I am still a realist, so I prepare myself for things to not go exactly as planned. We are close to the shore, but we have to trespass and scale a wall to get there. There is yoga at my fingertips but we need to buy a scooter first. And I have found my tranquility, but only after taking a very hard look at my internal environment and it's reflection on my external environment.
But, let's start from the top. I am homesick. I am very, very, homesick. I tried to explain it to Chris, but I feel my example will resonate more with a female readership: I feel like I am 8 years old at a popular girl's slumber party with all my friends, but I still want to call my parents to come pick me up. Do you remember those nights? The days were fun! Everyone was laughing and gossiping and playing games. Then you unroll your sleeping bag and all the sudden you realize you are in an unfamiliar place with none of your usual comforts surrounding you. You become sad, and all of the sudden this group of girls you had so much fun with when the sun was out becomes unfamiliar and strange. Nothing externally has changed. They are the same people, it's the same house, it's the same party. But internally you begin to view the situation differently and you just can't shake it. You want your mom. You don't care how popular these girls are, or that you will be made fun of, or that you will regret not taking it all in. You just want your fucking mom! You want to feel comfortable and safe with all of your usual familiarities. It doesn't matter that you wanted to be here for weeks - now that you are here and it's dark, you want to go home.
Well, I am not going home. I am old enough to know that I need to be here. An 8 year old at a slumber party can't look at the lessons in front of her. A thirty-year-old can. The island is beautiful, the weather is great, we got an AMAZING deal on a studio that allows pets, has cable and wifi, is fully furnished and looks out into a beautifully landscaped courtyard with three pools and lust worthy white staircases. But it's not home. And I have to learn how to work through that. I also have to learn to release the guilt that weighs me down every single time I feel guilty about not being elated in such a beautiful location.
I feel guilty every time someone asks me how things are going down here and I say "really great, but I am homesick."
"You ungrateful little brat," my ego tells me. "You started a blog and shouted from the mountain tops about your adventure and now you are going to complain? How dare you."
But here is where I reason with myself. I am not complaining, I am telling the truth. I am not running home, but I can still say I miss home. I can stick to my commitments even though it isn't easy. I can leverage every single blessing I have in order to make it through the night. (Chris being my godsend. Not once has he made me feel bad for being outrageously emotional...) But most importantly, I can always objectively look at my internal environment and make changes if I feel like I want to. And I do. So I did.
I wrote down in my journal how I wanted to feel on the inside. I guess I'll really open up here and tell you specifically what I wanted to change. Instead of feeling trapped, dirty, broke, and on edge from the poverty and stray dogs surrounding me, I wanted to feel love, safety, gratefulness, tranquility, joyfulness, inspired motivation, playfulness, sexiness, healthiness, and cleanliness. So I began cultivating those feeling from the inside. And what do you know, 2 days later we are walking the dogs on a new property with tons of space under a bright moon and I am not only feeling all of those things on the inside, but my external surroundings are exemplifying these things as well.
Now, it's not always this way. But I am able to recognize when it's not and remind myself of how I want to feel and re organize on the inside. So that's how I am currently handling my perspective. But like I said, bullet point numero dos is that I have some lessons to learn. And you can run away to a beautiful island where good tequila is $10 and rice is 30 pesos, but if you're supposed to be learning a lesson, it doesn't matter where you are - you are going to keep getting the same challenges until you learn it.
I'm going for full disclosure here again. I have some financial lessons to learn - and it doesn't matter how much I save or have coming into this thing - I am going to learn the lesson the Universe's way, apparently. So instead of fighting it, I am recognizing it and handling it the same way I handled my frustration with my love life a year and a half ago: I am showing up every fucking morning to pray and meditate. I am spending time being still and listening, spending time noting the things I am truly grateful for (not the bullshit "roof over my head, food on the table" robotic thank you's) and I am saying in my head over and over that I am complete, I am whole, I am worthy, and I am ready to learn this lesson and begin to master it.
Call me crazy, but this has been key for me. Saying that I am ready. I'm ready. I'm tired of the same shit happening over and over again. I am tired of doing the same things and expecting different results. I am frustrated. I don't know what else to do. I keep trying and coming up short. Do you know that feeling? That feeling like "GOD DAMMIT I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT ESLE I CAN DO!!!" I'm familiar with it. So right now all I can do is show up every morning and listen, be grateful for the path I am on, and ask for guidance. And there is something deep down inside of me that feels like that's what I should be doing. Show up, listen, and then try everything you physically can after you have asked for help.
Sooooo I could be smart and wait to post this until my little plan works. Or I can be real and genuine and let whoever wants to follow along follow along. I bet you know which option I am going with.
Thoughts are welcome. I actually figured out that I had the comments shut off on my blog posts ("doh!") but I have fixed that now! Let me know if this is a feeling you have felt or even if you think I am bat shit crazy and should just come home and be a normal adult human being. Fair warning: I'll probably agree with you either way.
For now, I am just going to work on being as happy as my puppy in a hammock:
As always, thank you so much for reading,